Lost a Best Friend

A couple of weeks ago I received a text from my guy best friend explaining that he could no longer be my friend. He blocked my number and deleted me from Facebook. The reason why? He was getting back with his ex.

None of the girlfriends my best friend has ever had have ever liked me, mainly because we are very close and we have history together. Even though I fully understand that they may be wary of me, because I would be too, I really struggle to understand how a girl can break up such a meaningful relationship for the sake of their own.

I’m not going to deny it, but I’ve struggled immensely for the past 2 weeks, crying at the smallest of things and breaking down each time the realisation¬†I’d lost him set in. My attempts at contacting him keep setting me back further as I send endless messages only for his girlfriend to block me on his Instagram and Snapchat as well.

To be fully cut off from someone who you’ve shared so much with makes you feel empty inside. Everytime something happens I long to share it with him, but when I do I know I’ll never get a response which kills me, particularly because I pretend to those around me that I’m slowly getting there. In actual fact each day that goes by I think of him more and more and wonder what he’s achieving without me ever knowing.

My other close friends have provided so much support during such a horrible time, but even though the words of “he will eventually come round” and “he is the one being a dick, you’ve done nothing wrong” continue to echo from each one of them, it’s so difficult to believe what they are saying is true. Instead inside I pray that all of this is dream and that’ll be over sooner rather than later.

Last week I also received some shocking news about my health and how I now need to start being careful. The one person I wanted to tell straight away even over my family was him, instead I went back to my car and burst into tears as I felt so lonely. All I want right now is that little bit of support when I wake up in the middle of the night trying not to throw up or when I have nauseating stomach ache, but I know he’s comforting his girlfriend probably not even thinking about me as I go through such a difficult time.

In the back of my head I know that I have no choice, but to move on and let him be happy. I can’t do it though. I can’t let myself lose someone who means so much to me and who I care about with all my heart. I know I shouldn’t, but I am going to keep messaging him, because even though I’ll never get a reply that little bit of hope I’m holding onto is getting me through. One day I pray he’ll realise how much a friendship means over a relationship and I pray that his girlfriend realises that inflicting such pain upon someone should be avoided, because if someone really cared about you, you should trust them with every inch of the love you have for them.

For myself. I hope that I can get through a day without crying, that I’ll be able to sleep properly without waking up and I can find happiness once again in everything I love. But for now I’m going to take each day as it comes, whilst being incredibly thankful for the friends which I do have to support me.

I do not wish this upon anyone and those which are going through something similar I encourage you to do what makes you happy and to do what you and only you want to do about your friendship. Because I know that I don’t blame him, so I’m going to keep fighting for mine until I get what I want.

Nick x

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